It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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