if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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