She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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