i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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