The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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