How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
