Your favorite bartender is back from prision
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
