I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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