the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
