I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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