yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
