Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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