quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
