I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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