There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
