I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize