I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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