Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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