remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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