took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
