Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
