I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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