KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
