I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
another moral hangover. fuck.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
