Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
