Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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