I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
