We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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