Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
