I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
