Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
