I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
