my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
