naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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