Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
