my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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