Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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