My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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