i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
