His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
