After last night, I could never be a politician.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
