Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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