My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Randomize
