The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
