The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
