Your favorite bartender is back from prision
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
