with your own penis?
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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