So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
