if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
