Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
