What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Watching her eat just hurts me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
