Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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