it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
