She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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