it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
