i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
