he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
