i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
